5 Things to Remember
1. It is going to get harder before it gets easier. The first initial idea of leaving my spouse was a difficult yet easy decision. It just hit me one day, after being torn down and ripped to pieces and being told that he wanted a divorce, that "you know what? Ya, I don't have to stay." Now maybe that sounds terrible or non-committal to some, judge as you will, I made the best decision for me and my children that I could. So I left. And life felt better. And then the reality hit. I was still attending school which meant commuting and babysitters. I was still pregnant which meant doctor appointments by myself and realizing that I would be bringing my son into the world under difficult circumstances. My spouse was still the father of my children and I didn't want that bond to be broken. And. Divorce. Divorce is hard. As it should be. As I have been going through the process, which is taking a long time, I have been forced to see that life isn't going to be fine and dandy any time soon. That old saying, "It's always darkest before the sunrise" is very true. I know life will get easier, but for now, I need a flashlight to make it through the dark times.
2. Don't wait for happiness, be happiness. Even though things are difficult now and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is vastly important to try to find happiness everyday right now. This is especially important in regard to the children. How selfish would it be to be all doom and gloom all the time when the kids need happiness now? It isn't their fault that you are going through a hard time. Don't put off a happy childhood for them until you are divorced and life is stable and good again. If you are waiting for that, you will be waiting for a long time. Which is not fair to the kids. Make everyday life happy and bright for them. Look for something in every day to find joy in. You have beautiful children! You have a roof over your head and food on your table. Sure, have a pity party every once in a while, because this is a difficult situation and grieving is important, but do it in the privacy of your own room and do not invite the children!
3. Do what you love! Be you. Don't worry about what others think. Remember that you are an individual. You have talents, hobbies, likes and dislikes. Sometimes I find myself so concerned in what everyone else will think about my doing something, posting something, or saying something that I end up not doing it. The day after Christmas I did something for me. I went and played basketball with my brothers. And I loved it! It felt so good (even though I played terribly since it has been way too long!) and I was glad that I did it. I've found that it is so easy for me to put off things that I want to do and that I find enjoyment in until the kids are gone with their dad. This isn't right! I need to find time in every day to do something for me. And that isn't being selfish or making my kids less important. In fact, it will make me a better parent.4. Find time to get off the clock. Being a single parent means you are always a parent. In a traditional family, dad goes to work while mom stays home with the kids. When dad gets home, mom can have a break while dad plays with the kids. Then there is parenting time together. This is ideal. But not a reality now. You, as a single mom, are always on the clock, morning, noon, and night. Heck, you can't even take a shower or a trip to the bathroom by yourself! This can become very overwhelming. Being a single mother has become more than a typical full-time job, it is an all-the-time-job. You need time for yourself. In a typical family breaks from being a parent, such as date nights or girls night's out are common. You still need this now as a single mom. In time, this will include getting back in the dating scene. For now, call up old friends, find a babysitter, or even take a trip to the grocery store ALONE.
5. Old wounds take time to heal. In the almost year and a half since my spouse and I have separated, I have found myself getting caught in a pattern. A painful pattern. I left to escape the hurt and pain, and to become stronger. But I find myself returning to memories and reading messages that bring the pain and hurt right back in full force. It is difficult to be strong all the time. For me, I put myself, everything, into that relationship for nearly 5 years. So of course it is difficult for the wounds and pains to heal quickly. I was in counseling shortly after the separation but haven't been back since shortly before my son was born (almost a year ago!). I have realized that accepting that I need help isn't a sign of weakness. I need help to work through this difficult transition. In order to heal I need to treat the wounds. So I am going to look into meeting with a counselor again. Because I need to be my best self, for my children, but also for me.
Life is good! God is great!
