Toddler Power Struggles

Dealing with Tantrum Training on your own

A Tantrum

The scene is oh, so familiar to many of us. Lunch has been served and your little one is joyfully smashing grapes with her fork while being contained within her high chair. The meal has been pleasant enough, until you offer her sippy cup of milk. It suddenly seems as though you have not only offended her but the entire human race with the disgrace and she will not settle until you know. The cup is hurled across the room, a steady stream of milk escaping as it makes its way to the floor. Crash! The lid conveniently (or not so conveniently) flies off creating a giant pool of white. This act is accompanied by screams 12 decibels louder than you thought was humanly possible declaring “no milk! JUUUIIICCCEEE!” Your first goal is to calm the raging child and then clean up the mess. You explain in a slightly frantic voice that there is no juice and she must have milk. The little seems to understand and be calmed enough, but as you turn to wipe up the soggy mess you are pelted with grapes.

  “No milk! JUUUIIICCCEEE!” 

If you haven’t had the pleasure of having this experience (or similar ones) yet, just wait. It will come. And come again. And again. A hundred times over. Toddlers throw tantrums. It is, as Nike would applaud, just what they do. It is bound to happen to every child. Being single moms adds a different dimension to this scenario. It is no longer two against one. You are down a man and the offense seems stronger than your defense. It almost seems impossible. Almost.

I have, by living through these terrible tantrums, compiled a list of 5 things to help with the difficult task.

1)    Be Strong:

Kids are smart. They know just how to push the right (or wrong?) buttons just at the wrong (or right?) times. Don’t give in just because they are beating you down. Dr. David and Lisa Frisbie explain the importance of not caving and how to maintain authority in this difficult situation.

2)    Choose Your Battles:

My mother has been saying this to me almost weekly since my little one was about 18 months. And now I am saying it to you. There will be battles. Don’t exhaust yourself over the little things. If she doesn’t want to eat her peas one night, fine. Don’t make it a drawn out power struggle.

3)    She Doesn’t REALLY Hate You:

Thankfully, my daughter is only 2 and hasn’t reached the, “I hate you, mom” stage yet. At least with those words. Kids will scream and kick and yell and cry when you say no. they will treat you as though you gave away their puppy while you ate their candy and snuggled with their favorite blankie when in reality you said to pick up their toys. No matter what they say or do, remember, they love you.

4)    Call For Reinforcements:

When you are on your own you don’t have to be alone. If needed, rely on a friend or family member that also has a good relationship with your child to back you up. It helps. A lot.

5)    It Won’t Last Forever:

This is a phase. Your child is learning and growing. Part of that is testing authority and boundaries. It is how they will learn and understand. It won’t always be a battle about putting pants on before shoes. It will get easier.

At the end of the day, remember to look back, smile, and laugh. These moments are precious and few. They will be gone in an instant.

Share your funny and not so funny toddler tantrum moments with us below!

Baby Blues with Number Two

Charity's birth day

            Bringing a child into the world is an amazing thing. It may sound cliché or redundant but the birth of my daughter, Charity, was the best day of my life. Seeing the beautiful tiny features of the baby that I carried for nine months, hearing her screams reverberate in the sterile walls of the hospital room, and holding  her fragile being in my arms for the first time filled me with an all-consuming love that I had never before felt. Amazing. No other word fits that experience justly. Fast forward 19 months and there I was, ready to do it all over again. But this time it was different. Very different.

            When I was four months along in my pregnancy with my son, my husband and I separated. Issues in our home forced my daughter and me to move in with my parents. fall semester at BYU had just started two weeks prior and I was unsure about continuing. I was unsure about a lot of things. School was hard that semester. An added forty minute commute both ways didn’t help alleviate the stress or difficulty. I persevered. During that semester I learned a valuable lesson, not necessarily through classroom teaching.  I learned how to ask for help and the value of doing so. I would not have made it through that semester without the help I received. I realize now that this experience, learning to ask and receive help, was only preparing me for the difficulties that lay ahead.

Why was I here? Why had I been so abandoned and destroyed by the one that pledged to love me all my life? How could I do this?

            Being pregnant is not an easy thing. Throw in a toddler, school, and a difficult separation and it becomes almost completely overwhelming. Hormones, emotions, and your weight are all over the place during pregnancy. That little baby growing inside of you sure makes things crazy for the momma. As I got closer and closer to my due date, I became more and more stressed. I was an emotional wreck. Not just because I was pregnant (although that is always a nice excuse for anything) but because I was alone. The idea of going into the hospital, going through labor and delivery, and bringing a child into the world alone is a terrifying thing. Why was I here? Why had I been so abandoned and destroyed by the one that pledged to love me all my life? How could I do this?

Atticus' birth day

         The answer to my hearts pleading came in an ironic fashion. Here I was, becoming a mother again. And who was beside me? My mother. My mom was with me through it all. Through contractions, screams, tears, and pain, my mom was by my side. She was my birth coach. She was my motivating and calming voice. She was the one who loved me. The labor and delivery of my son, Atticus, was difficult and different in many ways. I thought to myself, I’ve done this before, no big deal, I can do it. I was wrong. It was not what I anticipated or remembered, because it was different. Each child is different. Each delivery is different. And I was different. In the end, when I finally had my baby boy in my arms it was all the same. It was the best day of my life. And I pledged my love for all my life to him, just I had before to my daughter, and my mother had done to me. The love a mother feels for a child, as I have experienced on both sides in my life, is unlike any other worldly love. It goes beyond this life. It connects to our Father as we become co-creators with Him. We experience just an inkling of the amount of love He has for us. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world. I have learned valuable lessons as I embark on this journey of single parent life. The greatest of these is what real love, from mother to child and Father to child, really is and how it always will be.