Christmas Blues to Enjoy!

11:32 p.m. on December 25th, Christmas Day.

Sadness is Happiness

I am sitting here on my bed in the darkness and silence. I am alone. My children are with their dad for Christmas this year. And I am sad. This is the first major holiday that I haven't spent with my children. I am missing them so deeply that my heart aches. The reality of what my life will be has sunk in. And I don't like it. It is one thing to say and know that this is how life will be, it is another (much more difficult) thing to actually live it. The kids left yesterday (December 23rd) and will return on Monday. 5 whole, complete, total, entire, full, long, extensive, prolonged, lengthy days. This is the longest that both kids have been gone since early August. For the last two days I have been wallowing in self-pity, looking at all the fun and cute pictures of my friends and family on Facebook celebrating the wonders of Christmas. It makes me sad. At first I was upset with myself for being sad.

"Suck it up, Amanda! Your life isn't so bad. You're being selfish."

I didn't want to be a downer and ruin everything for everyone else. So I started to pretend.

"Everything is fine! Christmas is great! I'm happy!"

But it wasn't. And I wasn't. I was lying to myself and I knew it. And in the stillness and quiet and suddenly had a thought. It's OK. Being sad is fine. In fact, it is good to be sad sometimes. I thought back to the wonderful Disney movie "Inside Out" (if you haven't seen it, I recommend it!). Sometimes we just need Sadness. Not only does Sadness make us remember the Joy and goodness in life, but much more than that. Sadness is healing. There are times in life when is what we need and nothing can replace that. So, I just sat there and cried. I cried tears of pain and sorrow and sadness. Tears from missing my kids, to being sad thinking about what my life will be now, tears of disappointment for what my life used to be, and tears full of pain for what

I didn't have before, and tears of regret and shame looking back on who I was and am. I cried long and hard. And it felt good. I needed to cry. For so long I have put on the face. I have tried to be strong and not focus on myself and my emotions. The kids were (and still are!) the priority. I needed to be strong for them. And I did. But what I did wrong was that I forgot about myself. I need to also be strong for me. But it was more than just being strong. Sometimes in life, we can't be strong and we shouldn't be. Sadness is vital to our lives. Sadness makes us happy. Sadness makes us stronger. I was reminded of the counsel found in Ether 12:27

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. "

Notice that it mentions weak things will become strong not that weak things will be replaced with strong things. Christ will take me, for I am weak, and make me strong. I don't have to do this on my own. I don't have to be strong all the time. I need to fall before my Lord and Maker and plead for Their strength. I need to cry in faith for help. And it will come. That is a promise. I am grateful that I can feel Sadness in my life. For sadness is strength.

A Savior is Born

Not having the kids this Christmas has been difficult. Especially for Christmas Eve. My family has the tradition of acting out the Nativity scene as I am sure many others do as well. Last night was different for me. I didn’t have anyone to worry about except myself. No kiddos to help with costumes or keep quiet. As my dad reads the story we also stop and sing the Christmas Hymns that coincide with the verses. This year, without the hustle and bustle with my children, I was able to pay more attention to the lyrics of the songs. “Joy to the World” hit me. in the second verse it says in reference to Christ, “Born to raise the sons of Earth. Born to give them second birth”. I had never read those words like I did last night. Obviously, the Savior came to give us a second birth; a way back to our Father. But to me, this year, it meant that Christ was also born to help us as parents to raise our children. And I am so thankful! I know that without my Savior’s guiding influence I would fail miserably (more than I do already) as a parent. I know that I must make Him a stronger source of direction in my family and really rely on His divine directions. That is my goal this upcoming year, to allow the Savior to raise my son and daughter with me. Because I can’t do it alone. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!