Great People

Howdy! It has been a long time since I have written. Meh. Such is life. This whole blog started as a class project at BYU but as I have continued it has become therapeutic.

Tonight, there is a great deal on my mind. I initially sat down and started typing away about the difficulties of having two kiddos (therapy, remember?). It got to the point where I thought, well, I will just delete it after I write it rather than post it. Writing has always helped me manage and express my emotions. It has been a tough day. Strike that. It has been a tough WEEK. I could make a list a mile long of all the reasons why, but I shall spare you. So, you may be wondering why I am writing when I just said that I was going to delete my post. Well. . . things changed. I will set the scene.

 God Knows Even When We Don't

About a week ago I decided it was time to move Atticus out of the crib and into the toddler bed. He had figured out how to climb out of it and I cannot live with that kind of stress and worry about him getting hurt. Plus, Charity was getting a little big for the toddler bed and I would hear her roll over during the night and bonk her head and/or arms on  the side rails. So while the kids were with their dad last week I made the switch. They were both so excited for their new beds, as was I. Until bedtime. I didn't take into account that their internal clocks still haven't adjusted to the time change (blast daylight savings time!). So all of these changes, as well as other things, have made this last week very difficult in regards to naps and bedtime. (I know, I know. I said I wasn't going to list why this was a rough week. My bad!) Today was the THIRD day in a row that my kids have refused naptime. And I had just about had enough of it. When they don't have a nap they are extremely cranky and emotional (who can blame them? Sleep is a wonderful thing!) I was an emotional mess and physically exhausted by 4 in the afternoon. I remembered that tonight was the General Women's Session and decided last minute that I should go watch the broadcast rather than watching it at home.My brother agreed to watch the kids. So I went. My reason for going was more to get a break from the kids than anything else.And then the session started. Bam! It was meant for me. Every. Single. Message. 

My Father was speaking directly to me, through his messengers. 

I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort. My Father in Heaven was aware of me. He knew the struggles I was facing. My Father was speaking directly to me, through his messengers, because I wasn't listening when He spoke to me personally. Prayer has always been a difficult principle for me to grasp. I have rarely been consistent with having meaningful, personal prayer. But the words that my God said to me tonight, were answers to my unspoken prayers. Even though I had never verbalized my desires to my Father, or to anyone, He knew my hearts pleading. Why have I waited so long to honestly converse with my Father? I'm still working on understanding that. But I have received a new determination to make heartfelt prayer a part of my daily life. I can't do this life thing, or even more, this parenting thing, on my own. I need God's direction. And I need to ASK FOR IT! 

"You're holding a great person"

A lot of what I heard and learned tonight had personal implications that I will keep to myself. But I will share a moment that affected me as a mom. As I stated before, today was a hard day. I was feeling entirely overwhelmed by the prospect of raising these TWO kids on my own. Two. Two is so much harder than one. A realization I had while venting in my earlier post was that my kids are individuals. Crazy, right?! I mean, that is obvious. But it is hard as a parent, at least for this parent, to remember that each kid is different. Charity loved to hold my hand and snuggle to sleep. (Still does!) Atticus, he is the complete opposite. He even hates being tucked in. I have realized that something that worked for one child may not work for the other. Or even something that worked one day won't work the next. Because each child is different each day. I certainly am not the same person I was yesterday. I don't fall asleep at the same exact time every night. I can be extremely happy one day and then super moody the next. Because I am an individual. And so are my children. It is so easy to expect so much of our children, even things that we don't expect of ourselves. But in reality, they are so new to this whole new life thing. As much as I am learning and growing and experiencing the world, I've been here 25+ years! 

During the session tonight, President Eyring told a story about his parenting days. He told about a son of his who was about 7 that was making a ruckus jumping on his bed. President Eyring went to him, picked him up and held him at eye level. Then the spirit spoke to him, "You're holding a great person." And he gently put him down. Wow! This added so much to my earlier realization. My children ARE great people. And I need to do all I can to let them know that each and every day. I need to be their greatest cheerleader and strongest example. In those moments of exhaustion and frustration (hey, even President Eyring had them!) I need to remember who they are and who I am. Children of God. We are all children of God. We all deserve to be treated with love, understanding, respect, and patience. This is true not only for our children, or others we meet. Not just meant for strangers or friends. But we, as mothers, as daughters, as sisters, as women. You! Me! We! We need to treat ourselves with as much love, understanding, respect, and patience as we do our children and others in our lives. Because this whole life thing is still pretty new to each of us as well. 

Remember...

The kids are with their dad again. I have found that it is much easier to write when they are gone. So here I am again! The past couple days have been eye opening to me in many ways. I have realized a great deal about myself and my situation that I have needed to see. Life is a continuous process. Here are five things that I have come to realize are a part of life for a single mom or anyone going through the divorce process.

5 Things to Remember 

1. It is going to get harder before it gets easier. The first initial idea of leaving my spouse was a difficult yet easy decision. It just hit me one day, after being torn down and ripped to pieces and being told that he wanted a divorce, that "you know what? Ya, I don't have to stay." Now maybe that sounds terrible or non-committal to some, judge as you will, I made the best decision for me and my children that I could. So I left. And life felt better. And then the reality hit. I was still attending school which meant commuting and babysitters. I was still pregnant which meant doctor appointments by myself and realizing that I would be bringing my son into the world under difficult circumstances. My spouse was still the father of my children and I didn't want that bond to be broken. And. Divorce. Divorce is hard. As it should be. As I have been going through the process, which is taking a long time, I have been forced to see that life isn't going to be fine and dandy any time soon. That old saying, "It's always darkest before the sunrise" is very true. I know life will get easier, but for now, I need a flashlight to make it through the dark times.

2. Don't wait for happiness, be happiness. Even though things are difficult now and it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is vastly important to try to find happiness everyday right now. This is especially important in regard to the children. How selfish would it be to be all doom and gloom all the time when the kids need happiness now? It isn't their fault that you are going through a hard time. Don't put off a happy childhood for them until you are divorced and life is stable and good again. If you are waiting for that, you will be waiting for a long time. Which is not fair to the kids. Make everyday life happy and bright for them. Look for something in every day to find joy in. You have beautiful children! You have a roof over your head and food on your table. Sure, have a pity party every once in a while, because this is a difficult situation and grieving is important, but do it in the privacy of your own room and do not invite the children!



3. Do what you love! Be you. Don't worry about what others think. Remember that you are an individual. You have talents, hobbies, likes and dislikes. Sometimes I find myself so concerned in what everyone else will think about my doing something, posting something, or saying something that I end up not doing it. The day after Christmas I did something for me. I went and played basketball with my brothers. And I loved it! It felt so good (even though I played terribly since it has been way too long!) and I was glad that I did it. I've found that it is so easy for me to put off things that I want to do and that I find enjoyment in until the kids are gone with their dad. This isn't right! I need to find time in every day to do something for me. And that isn't being selfish or making my kids less important. In fact, it will make me a better parent.

4. Find time to get off the clock. Being a single parent means you are always a parent. In a traditional family, dad goes to work while mom stays home with the kids. When dad gets home, mom can have a break while dad plays with the kids. Then there is parenting time together. This is ideal. But not a reality now. You, as a single mom, are always on the clock, morning, noon, and night. Heck, you can't even take a shower or a trip to the bathroom by yourself! This can become very overwhelming. Being a single mother has become more than a typical full-time job, it is an all-the-time-job. You need time for yourself. In a typical family breaks from being a parent, such as date nights or girls night's out are common. You still need this now as a single mom. In time, this will include getting back in the dating scene. For now, call up old friends, find a babysitter, or even take a trip to the grocery store ALONE.

5. Old wounds take time to heal. In the almost year and a half since my spouse and I have separated, I have found myself getting caught in a pattern. A painful pattern. I left to escape the hurt and pain, and to become stronger. But I find myself returning to memories and reading messages that bring the pain and hurt right back in full force. It is difficult to be strong all the time. For me, I put myself, everything, into that relationship for nearly 5 years. So of course it is difficult for the wounds and pains to heal quickly. I was in counseling shortly after the separation but haven't been back since shortly before my son was born (almost a year ago!). I have realized that accepting that I need help isn't a sign of weakness. I need help to work through this difficult transition. In order to heal I need to treat the wounds. So I am going to look into meeting with a counselor again. Because I need to be my best self, for my children, but also for me.

Life is good! God is great!

Christmas Blues to Enjoy!

11:32 p.m. on December 25th, Christmas Day.

Sadness is Happiness

I am sitting here on my bed in the darkness and silence. I am alone. My children are with their dad for Christmas this year. And I am sad. This is the first major holiday that I haven't spent with my children. I am missing them so deeply that my heart aches. The reality of what my life will be has sunk in. And I don't like it. It is one thing to say and know that this is how life will be, it is another (much more difficult) thing to actually live it. The kids left yesterday (December 23rd) and will return on Monday. 5 whole, complete, total, entire, full, long, extensive, prolonged, lengthy days. This is the longest that both kids have been gone since early August. For the last two days I have been wallowing in self-pity, looking at all the fun and cute pictures of my friends and family on Facebook celebrating the wonders of Christmas. It makes me sad. At first I was upset with myself for being sad.

"Suck it up, Amanda! Your life isn't so bad. You're being selfish."

I didn't want to be a downer and ruin everything for everyone else. So I started to pretend.

"Everything is fine! Christmas is great! I'm happy!"

But it wasn't. And I wasn't. I was lying to myself and I knew it. And in the stillness and quiet and suddenly had a thought. It's OK. Being sad is fine. In fact, it is good to be sad sometimes. I thought back to the wonderful Disney movie "Inside Out" (if you haven't seen it, I recommend it!). Sometimes we just need Sadness. Not only does Sadness make us remember the Joy and goodness in life, but much more than that. Sadness is healing. There are times in life when is what we need and nothing can replace that. So, I just sat there and cried. I cried tears of pain and sorrow and sadness. Tears from missing my kids, to being sad thinking about what my life will be now, tears of disappointment for what my life used to be, and tears full of pain for what

I didn't have before, and tears of regret and shame looking back on who I was and am. I cried long and hard. And it felt good. I needed to cry. For so long I have put on the face. I have tried to be strong and not focus on myself and my emotions. The kids were (and still are!) the priority. I needed to be strong for them. And I did. But what I did wrong was that I forgot about myself. I need to also be strong for me. But it was more than just being strong. Sometimes in life, we can't be strong and we shouldn't be. Sadness is vital to our lives. Sadness makes us happy. Sadness makes us stronger. I was reminded of the counsel found in Ether 12:27

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. "

Notice that it mentions weak things will become strong not that weak things will be replaced with strong things. Christ will take me, for I am weak, and make me strong. I don't have to do this on my own. I don't have to be strong all the time. I need to fall before my Lord and Maker and plead for Their strength. I need to cry in faith for help. And it will come. That is a promise. I am grateful that I can feel Sadness in my life. For sadness is strength.

A Savior is Born

Not having the kids this Christmas has been difficult. Especially for Christmas Eve. My family has the tradition of acting out the Nativity scene as I am sure many others do as well. Last night was different for me. I didn’t have anyone to worry about except myself. No kiddos to help with costumes or keep quiet. As my dad reads the story we also stop and sing the Christmas Hymns that coincide with the verses. This year, without the hustle and bustle with my children, I was able to pay more attention to the lyrics of the songs. “Joy to the World” hit me. in the second verse it says in reference to Christ, “Born to raise the sons of Earth. Born to give them second birth”. I had never read those words like I did last night. Obviously, the Savior came to give us a second birth; a way back to our Father. But to me, this year, it meant that Christ was also born to help us as parents to raise our children. And I am so thankful! I know that without my Savior’s guiding influence I would fail miserably (more than I do already) as a parent. I know that I must make Him a stronger source of direction in my family and really rely on His divine directions. That is my goal this upcoming year, to allow the Savior to raise my son and daughter with me. Because I can’t do it alone. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sleep. Who Needs It?

4 secrets on how to effectively run on little sleep and not die!

“You look tired. Are you OK?” I can’t count the number of times that I have heard this in the last year or so. Even days when I actually try to look put together, clothes without peanut butter smears or spit-up spots, make-up, and my hair not in a ponytail, I still look tired. And guess what, I am. I remember, almost daily, what my mom told me when I first got pregnant with my daughter, “You’ll never sleep again.” I laughed it off then. Now? No more laughs. Only tears at the sad truth. This lack of sleep has only increased as I have become a single mom and a parent of two.

Precious sleeping babies, my favorite time of day!

Here is a list of my 4 secrets to surviving lack of sleep and not becoming a zombie:

1.      Dress for Success. I have a tendency to wear gym clothes and lounge wear all day every day. It is easy and comfy. If the kids wipe their snotty nose on a t-shirt or spit-up all over a pair of sweats, no biggie. Although dressing this way is easier and comfier it also leads to feeling less energized and motivated. Don’t feel like you have to dress to the 9’s every day, but step out of the ultra comfy clothes and you’ll be surprised how much more energy you will discover.

Been there, felt that. Haven’t all of us?

2.      Nap When They Nap. This is an age old adage. Everyone says it when you have a baby. Well, there is a reason why. You need it! I have never been a napping person. I couldn’t sleep during the day no matter how tired I was. Not anymore. I have trained myself how to nap. It is amazing how a 10 minute power nap can change your day. Don’t worry about the messy house, bills, or laundry. If the kids are asleep (or if you have older kids that can take care of themselves for 10 to 30 minutes) take a nap.

 “Don’t worry about the messy house, bills, or laundry.”

3.      Get Up and Get Moving. Sitting around watching TV or reading a book will make you tired. Don’t get stuck in the no-energy rut. Get outside. The sun gives off important vitamin D that will energize and refuel your body. The kids will benefit as well. Get them in the stroller and go for a walk or run every day. Put on some fun music and have a dance party with the kids. Workout. Do anything; just get your body moving.

4.      Don’t Dwell on the Tiredness. Instead of yawning all day or complaining about how tired you are, get busy. Keep your mind off of it. Play with the kids. Do the things that you need to do. Don’t over schedule your days because this will obviously make you even more tired. But don’t get lazy either. Focus on the tasks at hand, not how tired you are.

These tips will help when you are drained and feeling exhausted. But I have one more trick up my sleeve. A secret to how to get more sleep . . . do you want to know what it is?

Gotcha! I have no idea. Help me out, offer your tips and suggestions below! 

More than "Just A Mom"

The Journey of Self-Discovery

It happens frequently. You meet someone new and they ask the dreaded question “What do you do?” The answer, “I’m just a mom” is the phrase that almost always escapes my mouth. While it is true that I am a mom, why do I use that little modifying “just” word? What does it even mean to be “just” something? I have been figuring out lately that although my most important role and part of me is being a mom, there is much more to me than that.

Two in One

It is hard to separate your mom self from your other self. Before you became a mom, what were you? Me, I was an athlete. I was a student. I was a book-lover, camping-seeker, and chocolate-craver. I was a baker and a foodie. I was me. But after having kids, these attributes and characteristics were quickly pushed aside and being a mom took center stage. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love being a mom. I can’t imagine life without my sweet littles. But I have realized that my other self has become lost. I’m not completely sure what I am anymore. I just am. Or am I more?

I want to find myself again. I want to remember what I like, love, desire, and even dislike. As I have started this journey of self discovery, 4 major ideas have helped inspire and direct me.

•  Get Sentimental. Reminisce about the “old days”. Remember what it was like before the kids (don’t fret; it doesn’t make you a bad mom to think about your life before). I remember TV shows without animated talking animals or obnoxiously catchy tunes that fill my TV screen now. I remember songs and books and movies. Where did you spend your free time? What did you do on your day off? Of course, things have changed. You have grown up and matured. So some things may not be as interesting now. But remembering is key to finding yourself.

Just do it. Don’t make excuses.

• Do It! Get up and get out there. Go do something that you used to love. Find a babysitter (young women in the ward always want to babysit) and take yourself out. Go see a movie with a friend or even by yourself. Love pedicures can’t remember the last time you had one? Do it! Would you spend countless hours at a bookstore or window shopping? Do it! For me, it was playing basketball again. 4 months after my daughter was born I started playing basketball with the women in my Stake on Saturday mornings. This was such an amazing thing for me. I felt more myself than I had before. Sadly, since my son has been born almost 6 months ago, I haven’t found the time. But I am publicly making a goal to get out and play before the month is over! Just do it. Don’t make excuses. The kids will survive a few hours without you and the dirty dishes will still be there when you return (yay?).

 

High School Soccer

• Look Inward. I have found myself in a spiritually stagnant place recently. I’m just kind of floating. I have a firm testimony, no problem there. But I’m not feeling spiritually uplifted. Why? Well, I am not doing the things that will bring enlightenment. Yes, I attend church. My previous post discussed the difficulties encountered with attending church with two littles in tow. Basically, it is not as easy to feel spiritually nourished at church right now. I also can’t remember the last time I studied the scriptures for consecutive days. It’s the little things that bring big results. I finally made it to the temple a few weeks ago, the first time since last August. It was just what I needed. I am telling myself as I share with you to take the extra time to keep yourself spiritually nourished. This has helped me feel much more myself than I have before.

•  Don’t Be Afraid of Newness. You are a different person than you were before kids. Your life has also changed drastically through becoming a single mom. It is easy to say “if only” or “I wish”. But this isn’t possible or even necessary. Start today and work on becoming your best self NOW. Yes, take pieces of your old other self and add them to your new and now other self. Make yourself more than “just a mom”. Pick up new hobbies. Find new TV shows. Make new friends. Don’t forget what you have learned, but don’t settle.

I am a mom. I am a woman. I am a daughter of God. I am me. And I am just fine with that.

This is my new theme song. I love it. Enjoy!

Sunday Fun Day?

How to Love and Survive Going to Church

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints church attendance has always been very important to me. I feel like a piece of me is missing when I miss a week of church. My sweet 2 year-old daughter already loves church! She gets excited whenever I mention it. Although she loves going to church, it isn’t necessarily always a smooth and easy experience. For us single moms, church often is a difficult battle in many ways.

Here is a list of the top 5 things that can go wrong and how to handle the issues.

1.      Sickness. It seems like since my daughter Charity started attending nursery 6 months ago she has been sick every 5 to 6 weeks. This in itself is an issue. Where is she getting sick? Most likely nursery. That place can be a breeding ground for illness, not because it is dirty or anything, but just the amount of young kids in the same place chewing on the same toys week after week. I try to gauge Charity’s sickness between stay at home sick, stay with mom in Relief Society sick, and little sniffle nursery is OK sick. It is hard because we both hate missing church. And she especially hates staying in RS with me. What I have to tell myself, and tell you, is that it is OK, it is only one week. It is better to be safe than sorry, as they say. Keep the sickness away from the others.

2.      Sacrament Meeting. This is the most important and vital part of church attendance. It is also the most difficult part with little kiddos. Sacrament Meeting lasts an hour and fifteen minutes. A child’s attention span, about 2 minutes. It is a long time for kids to stay quite. A few tools I have found are to bring LOTS of snacks, LOTS of books, LOTS of crayons and paper, and LOTS of quiet toys. Everyone is happier when food is involved. I swear Charity is always munching on something. As far as books and toys, I try to keep church toys and other daily toys separate. This is not only making the toys seem almost brand new each week (2 minute attention span, remember?) but it is also teaching her that church is different. I try to keep gospel related books and toys for church. She loves her “Jesus book” and I love how she loves it.

3.      The 9-18 month stage. Yep, we all know it. If you don’t yet, you will. A child at this age wants anything but to sit quietly for 3 hours. Heck, don’t we all feel the same? Church can be long. This is a challenging stage because these kids have been changing rapidly, learning to walk and talk and how to play and explore in new capacities. Sitting on mommy’s lap listening to an old guy talk for an hour or so is not what they want. But they are too young for nursery. Countdown commence (you know what I’m talking about!) The months leading up to nursery are so difficult. But don’t give up! Even if the majority of time is spent out in the halls, that is better than being at home. Kids learn by watching and through repetition. Keep going and they will get used to it. And even if they still throw fits and every week is a battle, it is worth it.

4.      Multiples. Having two or more kids and going to church by yourself is a daunting task. They out number you. Sometimes it feels as though wrestling with them the whole time and missing the majority of what is being taught seems as though it isn’t worth all the hustle. But it is! Enlist help. I am blessed to have my parents help and when they occasionally miss there are other friends and ward members that come to my aid. Suck up your pride and allow help. That is what a ward family is for. As I mentioned on my website, http://humclasses.byu.edu/abjc1415/, being single doesn’t mean being alone. Let your kids help and entertain each other. They will only be little for a short time and then you will probably have to be poking them to keep them awake during church!

"I am different; I’m not like everyone else."

5.      What about me? It is so easy as a mom to forget about yourself. You are usually the last priority. Your wants and needs fall behind the kids, bills, work, and everything else. This is true for church and spiritual matters as well. But don’t let it be! On many occasions I have found myself sitting in a Relief Society lesson feeling completely left out because I have been in and out feeding a baby or calming a fussy child. Or looking around thinking, I am different; I’m not like everyone else. This is true actually. You are not like everyone else. No one is. We are each individuals with individual lives and trials. But the one way we are connected is the desire to be like our Savior and following His path. Don’t allow yourself to feel unimportant in the gospel. You are doing the right thing. Heavenly Father is aware of you and proud of your faith and diligence. Keep going. Don’t give up on yourself!

Being a single Mormon mommy is hard. There is no getting around it. But the precious moments when I hear my daughter pray or she asks me to sing I Am a Child of God to hear before bed are moments I would never give up for anything. The gospel of Jesus Christ shows me how to be the best mom and woman I can be.

MONEY. A Necessary Evil.

Finances and budgeting. No one really enjoys these topics. Having to do it on your own makes things even more dreadful. Being the breadwinner as well as the nurturer, basically playing all of the roles needed for a family to survive is no easy task. But take heart, it is possible. You can and will, do it!

Here are a few simple tips and tricks to make the budgeting nightmare less scary:

1.      Ask for help. This is something that as a single mom I have learned is the first necessity. It isn’t shameful or wrong to ask others you trust for help, in any capacity. When it comes to financial circumstances, it is vital. Find loving friends, family, and neighbors to tend your kids while you work at little or no cost. Obviously, this isn’t always an option or a long-term solution. But when just starting out on this new path of single parenthood a penny saved is almost like two pennies earned! People will help you while you get your feet on the ground. Just ask.

2.      Be thrifty. As a wise man once said, “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.” Elder Boyd K. Packer was speaking to us when he said this. Kids (or yourself) growing out of jeans? Cut them off and make cute shorts! Need a haircut? Find a local cosmetology school that will do it for cheap or even for free! Don’t worry about having all the newest things, smart phones, or clothes.

3.      SAVE SAVE SAVE! I saw an idea on Pinterest that I loved. Every $5 bill that comes in to your possession, save it. Either put it in a special bank account or a special box in your home. It will surprise you how fast the money adds up. My 2 year old enjoys putting any and all change she finds into her piggy bank. The more you save, the more you earn.

“Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.” 

-Elder Boyd K. Packer

4.      Assistance is OK. Programs like WIC and Medicaid are made for you. I know it isn’t ideal or enjoyable to “live off the government” but programs like this are made for people in our situation. Short term help is OK and fine. Just don’t rely on it forever!

5.      Cook! Don’t waste vital time and money on fast food or frozen meals. Learn how to make delicious foods from scratch. Cooking at home is much more cost efficient than dining out. It is also a lot more fun. I love that my daughter is so interested in my cooking and baking. And I look forward to the time when she can help me in more ways. Get the little ones involved!

Sometimes I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge. Or Hamm from the Toy Story movies, “Money, money, money!” being a single mom makes the financial side of life even more so. Student loans. Day care. Travel. So many added stresses. At the end of the day though, none of this really matters. Material things are just that, things. The squeals of joy and smiles of love from our children are more precious than anything money can buy.

Share your money tips with us!