Christmas Blues to Enjoy!

11:32 p.m. on December 25th, Christmas Day.

Sadness is Happiness

I am sitting here on my bed in the darkness and silence. I am alone. My children are with their dad for Christmas this year. And I am sad. This is the first major holiday that I haven't spent with my children. I am missing them so deeply that my heart aches. The reality of what my life will be has sunk in. And I don't like it. It is one thing to say and know that this is how life will be, it is another (much more difficult) thing to actually live it. The kids left yesterday (December 23rd) and will return on Monday. 5 whole, complete, total, entire, full, long, extensive, prolonged, lengthy days. This is the longest that both kids have been gone since early August. For the last two days I have been wallowing in self-pity, looking at all the fun and cute pictures of my friends and family on Facebook celebrating the wonders of Christmas. It makes me sad. At first I was upset with myself for being sad.

"Suck it up, Amanda! Your life isn't so bad. You're being selfish."

I didn't want to be a downer and ruin everything for everyone else. So I started to pretend.

"Everything is fine! Christmas is great! I'm happy!"

But it wasn't. And I wasn't. I was lying to myself and I knew it. And in the stillness and quiet and suddenly had a thought. It's OK. Being sad is fine. In fact, it is good to be sad sometimes. I thought back to the wonderful Disney movie "Inside Out" (if you haven't seen it, I recommend it!). Sometimes we just need Sadness. Not only does Sadness make us remember the Joy and goodness in life, but much more than that. Sadness is healing. There are times in life when is what we need and nothing can replace that. So, I just sat there and cried. I cried tears of pain and sorrow and sadness. Tears from missing my kids, to being sad thinking about what my life will be now, tears of disappointment for what my life used to be, and tears full of pain for what

I didn't have before, and tears of regret and shame looking back on who I was and am. I cried long and hard. And it felt good. I needed to cry. For so long I have put on the face. I have tried to be strong and not focus on myself and my emotions. The kids were (and still are!) the priority. I needed to be strong for them. And I did. But what I did wrong was that I forgot about myself. I need to also be strong for me. But it was more than just being strong. Sometimes in life, we can't be strong and we shouldn't be. Sadness is vital to our lives. Sadness makes us happy. Sadness makes us stronger. I was reminded of the counsel found in Ether 12:27

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. "

Notice that it mentions weak things will become strong not that weak things will be replaced with strong things. Christ will take me, for I am weak, and make me strong. I don't have to do this on my own. I don't have to be strong all the time. I need to fall before my Lord and Maker and plead for Their strength. I need to cry in faith for help. And it will come. That is a promise. I am grateful that I can feel Sadness in my life. For sadness is strength.

A Savior is Born

Not having the kids this Christmas has been difficult. Especially for Christmas Eve. My family has the tradition of acting out the Nativity scene as I am sure many others do as well. Last night was different for me. I didn’t have anyone to worry about except myself. No kiddos to help with costumes or keep quiet. As my dad reads the story we also stop and sing the Christmas Hymns that coincide with the verses. This year, without the hustle and bustle with my children, I was able to pay more attention to the lyrics of the songs. “Joy to the World” hit me. in the second verse it says in reference to Christ, “Born to raise the sons of Earth. Born to give them second birth”. I had never read those words like I did last night. Obviously, the Savior came to give us a second birth; a way back to our Father. But to me, this year, it meant that Christ was also born to help us as parents to raise our children. And I am so thankful! I know that without my Savior’s guiding influence I would fail miserably (more than I do already) as a parent. I know that I must make Him a stronger source of direction in my family and really rely on His divine directions. That is my goal this upcoming year, to allow the Savior to raise my son and daughter with me. Because I can’t do it alone. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sleep. Who Needs It?

4 secrets on how to effectively run on little sleep and not die!

“You look tired. Are you OK?” I can’t count the number of times that I have heard this in the last year or so. Even days when I actually try to look put together, clothes without peanut butter smears or spit-up spots, make-up, and my hair not in a ponytail, I still look tired. And guess what, I am. I remember, almost daily, what my mom told me when I first got pregnant with my daughter, “You’ll never sleep again.” I laughed it off then. Now? No more laughs. Only tears at the sad truth. This lack of sleep has only increased as I have become a single mom and a parent of two.

Precious sleeping babies, my favorite time of day!

Here is a list of my 4 secrets to surviving lack of sleep and not becoming a zombie:

1.      Dress for Success. I have a tendency to wear gym clothes and lounge wear all day every day. It is easy and comfy. If the kids wipe their snotty nose on a t-shirt or spit-up all over a pair of sweats, no biggie. Although dressing this way is easier and comfier it also leads to feeling less energized and motivated. Don’t feel like you have to dress to the 9’s every day, but step out of the ultra comfy clothes and you’ll be surprised how much more energy you will discover.

Been there, felt that. Haven’t all of us?

2.      Nap When They Nap. This is an age old adage. Everyone says it when you have a baby. Well, there is a reason why. You need it! I have never been a napping person. I couldn’t sleep during the day no matter how tired I was. Not anymore. I have trained myself how to nap. It is amazing how a 10 minute power nap can change your day. Don’t worry about the messy house, bills, or laundry. If the kids are asleep (or if you have older kids that can take care of themselves for 10 to 30 minutes) take a nap.

 “Don’t worry about the messy house, bills, or laundry.”

3.      Get Up and Get Moving. Sitting around watching TV or reading a book will make you tired. Don’t get stuck in the no-energy rut. Get outside. The sun gives off important vitamin D that will energize and refuel your body. The kids will benefit as well. Get them in the stroller and go for a walk or run every day. Put on some fun music and have a dance party with the kids. Workout. Do anything; just get your body moving.

4.      Don’t Dwell on the Tiredness. Instead of yawning all day or complaining about how tired you are, get busy. Keep your mind off of it. Play with the kids. Do the things that you need to do. Don’t over schedule your days because this will obviously make you even more tired. But don’t get lazy either. Focus on the tasks at hand, not how tired you are.

These tips will help when you are drained and feeling exhausted. But I have one more trick up my sleeve. A secret to how to get more sleep . . . do you want to know what it is?

Gotcha! I have no idea. Help me out, offer your tips and suggestions below! 

More than "Just A Mom"

The Journey of Self-Discovery

It happens frequently. You meet someone new and they ask the dreaded question “What do you do?” The answer, “I’m just a mom” is the phrase that almost always escapes my mouth. While it is true that I am a mom, why do I use that little modifying “just” word? What does it even mean to be “just” something? I have been figuring out lately that although my most important role and part of me is being a mom, there is much more to me than that.

Two in One

It is hard to separate your mom self from your other self. Before you became a mom, what were you? Me, I was an athlete. I was a student. I was a book-lover, camping-seeker, and chocolate-craver. I was a baker and a foodie. I was me. But after having kids, these attributes and characteristics were quickly pushed aside and being a mom took center stage. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love being a mom. I can’t imagine life without my sweet littles. But I have realized that my other self has become lost. I’m not completely sure what I am anymore. I just am. Or am I more?

I want to find myself again. I want to remember what I like, love, desire, and even dislike. As I have started this journey of self discovery, 4 major ideas have helped inspire and direct me.

•  Get Sentimental. Reminisce about the “old days”. Remember what it was like before the kids (don’t fret; it doesn’t make you a bad mom to think about your life before). I remember TV shows without animated talking animals or obnoxiously catchy tunes that fill my TV screen now. I remember songs and books and movies. Where did you spend your free time? What did you do on your day off? Of course, things have changed. You have grown up and matured. So some things may not be as interesting now. But remembering is key to finding yourself.

Just do it. Don’t make excuses.

• Do It! Get up and get out there. Go do something that you used to love. Find a babysitter (young women in the ward always want to babysit) and take yourself out. Go see a movie with a friend or even by yourself. Love pedicures can’t remember the last time you had one? Do it! Would you spend countless hours at a bookstore or window shopping? Do it! For me, it was playing basketball again. 4 months after my daughter was born I started playing basketball with the women in my Stake on Saturday mornings. This was such an amazing thing for me. I felt more myself than I had before. Sadly, since my son has been born almost 6 months ago, I haven’t found the time. But I am publicly making a goal to get out and play before the month is over! Just do it. Don’t make excuses. The kids will survive a few hours without you and the dirty dishes will still be there when you return (yay?).

 

High School Soccer

• Look Inward. I have found myself in a spiritually stagnant place recently. I’m just kind of floating. I have a firm testimony, no problem there. But I’m not feeling spiritually uplifted. Why? Well, I am not doing the things that will bring enlightenment. Yes, I attend church. My previous post discussed the difficulties encountered with attending church with two littles in tow. Basically, it is not as easy to feel spiritually nourished at church right now. I also can’t remember the last time I studied the scriptures for consecutive days. It’s the little things that bring big results. I finally made it to the temple a few weeks ago, the first time since last August. It was just what I needed. I am telling myself as I share with you to take the extra time to keep yourself spiritually nourished. This has helped me feel much more myself than I have before.

•  Don’t Be Afraid of Newness. You are a different person than you were before kids. Your life has also changed drastically through becoming a single mom. It is easy to say “if only” or “I wish”. But this isn’t possible or even necessary. Start today and work on becoming your best self NOW. Yes, take pieces of your old other self and add them to your new and now other self. Make yourself more than “just a mom”. Pick up new hobbies. Find new TV shows. Make new friends. Don’t forget what you have learned, but don’t settle.

I am a mom. I am a woman. I am a daughter of God. I am me. And I am just fine with that.

This is my new theme song. I love it. Enjoy!

Sunday Fun Day?

How to Love and Survive Going to Church

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints church attendance has always been very important to me. I feel like a piece of me is missing when I miss a week of church. My sweet 2 year-old daughter already loves church! She gets excited whenever I mention it. Although she loves going to church, it isn’t necessarily always a smooth and easy experience. For us single moms, church often is a difficult battle in many ways.

Here is a list of the top 5 things that can go wrong and how to handle the issues.

1.      Sickness. It seems like since my daughter Charity started attending nursery 6 months ago she has been sick every 5 to 6 weeks. This in itself is an issue. Where is she getting sick? Most likely nursery. That place can be a breeding ground for illness, not because it is dirty or anything, but just the amount of young kids in the same place chewing on the same toys week after week. I try to gauge Charity’s sickness between stay at home sick, stay with mom in Relief Society sick, and little sniffle nursery is OK sick. It is hard because we both hate missing church. And she especially hates staying in RS with me. What I have to tell myself, and tell you, is that it is OK, it is only one week. It is better to be safe than sorry, as they say. Keep the sickness away from the others.

2.      Sacrament Meeting. This is the most important and vital part of church attendance. It is also the most difficult part with little kiddos. Sacrament Meeting lasts an hour and fifteen minutes. A child’s attention span, about 2 minutes. It is a long time for kids to stay quite. A few tools I have found are to bring LOTS of snacks, LOTS of books, LOTS of crayons and paper, and LOTS of quiet toys. Everyone is happier when food is involved. I swear Charity is always munching on something. As far as books and toys, I try to keep church toys and other daily toys separate. This is not only making the toys seem almost brand new each week (2 minute attention span, remember?) but it is also teaching her that church is different. I try to keep gospel related books and toys for church. She loves her “Jesus book” and I love how she loves it.

3.      The 9-18 month stage. Yep, we all know it. If you don’t yet, you will. A child at this age wants anything but to sit quietly for 3 hours. Heck, don’t we all feel the same? Church can be long. This is a challenging stage because these kids have been changing rapidly, learning to walk and talk and how to play and explore in new capacities. Sitting on mommy’s lap listening to an old guy talk for an hour or so is not what they want. But they are too young for nursery. Countdown commence (you know what I’m talking about!) The months leading up to nursery are so difficult. But don’t give up! Even if the majority of time is spent out in the halls, that is better than being at home. Kids learn by watching and through repetition. Keep going and they will get used to it. And even if they still throw fits and every week is a battle, it is worth it.

4.      Multiples. Having two or more kids and going to church by yourself is a daunting task. They out number you. Sometimes it feels as though wrestling with them the whole time and missing the majority of what is being taught seems as though it isn’t worth all the hustle. But it is! Enlist help. I am blessed to have my parents help and when they occasionally miss there are other friends and ward members that come to my aid. Suck up your pride and allow help. That is what a ward family is for. As I mentioned on my website, http://humclasses.byu.edu/abjc1415/, being single doesn’t mean being alone. Let your kids help and entertain each other. They will only be little for a short time and then you will probably have to be poking them to keep them awake during church!

"I am different; I’m not like everyone else."

5.      What about me? It is so easy as a mom to forget about yourself. You are usually the last priority. Your wants and needs fall behind the kids, bills, work, and everything else. This is true for church and spiritual matters as well. But don’t let it be! On many occasions I have found myself sitting in a Relief Society lesson feeling completely left out because I have been in and out feeding a baby or calming a fussy child. Or looking around thinking, I am different; I’m not like everyone else. This is true actually. You are not like everyone else. No one is. We are each individuals with individual lives and trials. But the one way we are connected is the desire to be like our Savior and following His path. Don’t allow yourself to feel unimportant in the gospel. You are doing the right thing. Heavenly Father is aware of you and proud of your faith and diligence. Keep going. Don’t give up on yourself!

Being a single Mormon mommy is hard. There is no getting around it. But the precious moments when I hear my daughter pray or she asks me to sing I Am a Child of God to hear before bed are moments I would never give up for anything. The gospel of Jesus Christ shows me how to be the best mom and woman I can be.

MONEY. A Necessary Evil.

Finances and budgeting. No one really enjoys these topics. Having to do it on your own makes things even more dreadful. Being the breadwinner as well as the nurturer, basically playing all of the roles needed for a family to survive is no easy task. But take heart, it is possible. You can and will, do it!

Here are a few simple tips and tricks to make the budgeting nightmare less scary:

1.      Ask for help. This is something that as a single mom I have learned is the first necessity. It isn’t shameful or wrong to ask others you trust for help, in any capacity. When it comes to financial circumstances, it is vital. Find loving friends, family, and neighbors to tend your kids while you work at little or no cost. Obviously, this isn’t always an option or a long-term solution. But when just starting out on this new path of single parenthood a penny saved is almost like two pennies earned! People will help you while you get your feet on the ground. Just ask.

2.      Be thrifty. As a wise man once said, “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.” Elder Boyd K. Packer was speaking to us when he said this. Kids (or yourself) growing out of jeans? Cut them off and make cute shorts! Need a haircut? Find a local cosmetology school that will do it for cheap or even for free! Don’t worry about having all the newest things, smart phones, or clothes.

3.      SAVE SAVE SAVE! I saw an idea on Pinterest that I loved. Every $5 bill that comes in to your possession, save it. Either put it in a special bank account or a special box in your home. It will surprise you how fast the money adds up. My 2 year old enjoys putting any and all change she finds into her piggy bank. The more you save, the more you earn.

“Use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without.” 

-Elder Boyd K. Packer

4.      Assistance is OK. Programs like WIC and Medicaid are made for you. I know it isn’t ideal or enjoyable to “live off the government” but programs like this are made for people in our situation. Short term help is OK and fine. Just don’t rely on it forever!

5.      Cook! Don’t waste vital time and money on fast food or frozen meals. Learn how to make delicious foods from scratch. Cooking at home is much more cost efficient than dining out. It is also a lot more fun. I love that my daughter is so interested in my cooking and baking. And I look forward to the time when she can help me in more ways. Get the little ones involved!

Sometimes I feel like Ebenezer Scrooge. Or Hamm from the Toy Story movies, “Money, money, money!” being a single mom makes the financial side of life even more so. Student loans. Day care. Travel. So many added stresses. At the end of the day though, none of this really matters. Material things are just that, things. The squeals of joy and smiles of love from our children are more precious than anything money can buy.

Share your money tips with us!

Toddler Power Struggles

Dealing with Tantrum Training on your own

A Tantrum

The scene is oh, so familiar to many of us. Lunch has been served and your little one is joyfully smashing grapes with her fork while being contained within her high chair. The meal has been pleasant enough, until you offer her sippy cup of milk. It suddenly seems as though you have not only offended her but the entire human race with the disgrace and she will not settle until you know. The cup is hurled across the room, a steady stream of milk escaping as it makes its way to the floor. Crash! The lid conveniently (or not so conveniently) flies off creating a giant pool of white. This act is accompanied by screams 12 decibels louder than you thought was humanly possible declaring “no milk! JUUUIIICCCEEE!” Your first goal is to calm the raging child and then clean up the mess. You explain in a slightly frantic voice that there is no juice and she must have milk. The little seems to understand and be calmed enough, but as you turn to wipe up the soggy mess you are pelted with grapes.

  “No milk! JUUUIIICCCEEE!” 

If you haven’t had the pleasure of having this experience (or similar ones) yet, just wait. It will come. And come again. And again. A hundred times over. Toddlers throw tantrums. It is, as Nike would applaud, just what they do. It is bound to happen to every child. Being single moms adds a different dimension to this scenario. It is no longer two against one. You are down a man and the offense seems stronger than your defense. It almost seems impossible. Almost.

I have, by living through these terrible tantrums, compiled a list of 5 things to help with the difficult task.

1)    Be Strong:

Kids are smart. They know just how to push the right (or wrong?) buttons just at the wrong (or right?) times. Don’t give in just because they are beating you down. Dr. David and Lisa Frisbie explain the importance of not caving and how to maintain authority in this difficult situation.

2)    Choose Your Battles:

My mother has been saying this to me almost weekly since my little one was about 18 months. And now I am saying it to you. There will be battles. Don’t exhaust yourself over the little things. If she doesn’t want to eat her peas one night, fine. Don’t make it a drawn out power struggle.

3)    She Doesn’t REALLY Hate You:

Thankfully, my daughter is only 2 and hasn’t reached the, “I hate you, mom” stage yet. At least with those words. Kids will scream and kick and yell and cry when you say no. they will treat you as though you gave away their puppy while you ate their candy and snuggled with their favorite blankie when in reality you said to pick up their toys. No matter what they say or do, remember, they love you.

4)    Call For Reinforcements:

When you are on your own you don’t have to be alone. If needed, rely on a friend or family member that also has a good relationship with your child to back you up. It helps. A lot.

5)    It Won’t Last Forever:

This is a phase. Your child is learning and growing. Part of that is testing authority and boundaries. It is how they will learn and understand. It won’t always be a battle about putting pants on before shoes. It will get easier.

At the end of the day, remember to look back, smile, and laugh. These moments are precious and few. They will be gone in an instant.

Share your funny and not so funny toddler tantrum moments with us below!

Baby Blues with Number Two

Charity's birth day

            Bringing a child into the world is an amazing thing. It may sound cliché or redundant but the birth of my daughter, Charity, was the best day of my life. Seeing the beautiful tiny features of the baby that I carried for nine months, hearing her screams reverberate in the sterile walls of the hospital room, and holding  her fragile being in my arms for the first time filled me with an all-consuming love that I had never before felt. Amazing. No other word fits that experience justly. Fast forward 19 months and there I was, ready to do it all over again. But this time it was different. Very different.

            When I was four months along in my pregnancy with my son, my husband and I separated. Issues in our home forced my daughter and me to move in with my parents. fall semester at BYU had just started two weeks prior and I was unsure about continuing. I was unsure about a lot of things. School was hard that semester. An added forty minute commute both ways didn’t help alleviate the stress or difficulty. I persevered. During that semester I learned a valuable lesson, not necessarily through classroom teaching.  I learned how to ask for help and the value of doing so. I would not have made it through that semester without the help I received. I realize now that this experience, learning to ask and receive help, was only preparing me for the difficulties that lay ahead.

Why was I here? Why had I been so abandoned and destroyed by the one that pledged to love me all my life? How could I do this?

            Being pregnant is not an easy thing. Throw in a toddler, school, and a difficult separation and it becomes almost completely overwhelming. Hormones, emotions, and your weight are all over the place during pregnancy. That little baby growing inside of you sure makes things crazy for the momma. As I got closer and closer to my due date, I became more and more stressed. I was an emotional wreck. Not just because I was pregnant (although that is always a nice excuse for anything) but because I was alone. The idea of going into the hospital, going through labor and delivery, and bringing a child into the world alone is a terrifying thing. Why was I here? Why had I been so abandoned and destroyed by the one that pledged to love me all my life? How could I do this?

Atticus' birth day

         The answer to my hearts pleading came in an ironic fashion. Here I was, becoming a mother again. And who was beside me? My mother. My mom was with me through it all. Through contractions, screams, tears, and pain, my mom was by my side. She was my birth coach. She was my motivating and calming voice. She was the one who loved me. The labor and delivery of my son, Atticus, was difficult and different in many ways. I thought to myself, I’ve done this before, no big deal, I can do it. I was wrong. It was not what I anticipated or remembered, because it was different. Each child is different. Each delivery is different. And I was different. In the end, when I finally had my baby boy in my arms it was all the same. It was the best day of my life. And I pledged my love for all my life to him, just I had before to my daughter, and my mother had done to me. The love a mother feels for a child, as I have experienced on both sides in my life, is unlike any other worldly love. It goes beyond this life. It connects to our Father as we become co-creators with Him. We experience just an inkling of the amount of love He has for us. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world. I have learned valuable lessons as I embark on this journey of single parent life. The greatest of these is what real love, from mother to child and Father to child, really is and how it always will be.